My psalm.

What profits a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul?

What are we really doing here on earth?

Am i too young to start asking these questions?  Some would argue that i should just kick back and chill.  Why can i not be satisfied with what i have now?  Is it because i pursued the wrong things?  Is it because i have achieved what i set to do and now, there's no more challenge, or is it something bigger? 


Buy Jimmy Choos.

That makes perfect sense. Because i can.

Because i can drop a thousand dollars to buy a perfectly nonsensible pair of shoes.

I can eat a meal for a hundred dollars without blinking an eye.

But the difference between i can's and what i should is as vast as the pacific that separates me from home.

I was in california a couple of months ago.  I bent down and touched its waters.  I breathed in its air.  Maybe if i breathe in deeply enough, maybe I could remember.  Maybe if i listened more closely, maybe i could hear the laughter of my friends on the other side.  Maybe if i squint my eyes, I will see their smile again.  On the other side of this pacific was my country.  The country whose people i love.  The country whose people i promised to serve.  It has been five long years philippines.  Five long years that i have been away.  I stay because my family needs me to be here.  

In the land of plenty, what right do i have to go home empty handed?

Big J, you led me here, can you tell me what next?

Or maybe you are telling me but i don't want to hear it?

To wipe away their tears, i had to swallow my own.

Tell me, which way do the roads lead, where do i belong? 

I refuse to be not led.  I refuse to believe that this is all that there is to this.  Show me. Tell me.  Come on.  Break your silence and spill it out.  You led me here, you knew this would happen to me, then why be silent?  Why choose to not speak?  You don't do that to me Big J. You promised.  I have the liberty to back down on my promise, but not You.  Let everything be proven false, and You be true. 

You said.

You promised.

You said Go.  You said You will be with me.  You said You will never back down on Your word.  Then prove yourself.  God of Jacob. God of the three hundredth chances.  God of Abraham.  My God. My Father. My Savior.  You do not do this.  I only see a fraction of who You are, and I know You are true.  You are King.  Do something.  I belong to you. Not the greatest instrument in your kingdom, not a Peter, not a David, not a Smigglesworth, not a Jeremiah, not a Moses.  I'm nobody.  My claim to my boldness is I belong to you.  You died for me, you love me, your eyes are on me, from the moment i was conceived, you set me apart to be yours, and in that knowledge, I cry to you. Savior of the world, save me, show me the way, carry me when i cannot walk one more step because you can, because you said so.

I cannot go one more step without you.  I refuse to.  You carry me.  My heart is tired, my spirit fails me, i need You.  The hands you held up are tired. Only you could revive me.