Double Dare

It's been  a while since I posted.

A lot has happened in my walk with Big J. 

In a series of  events, I came out knowing more about what they call Amazing Grace.

You see i am, for the most part, the good girl.  In some ways, i never felt what it's like to be forgiven of, as the catholics would say it, the mortal sins.  In the book that Big J left for us to read, in one part, there was some reference to this.  That he who has been forgiven of bigger sins, feels grace more. 

When i listen to former drug addicts give their testimonies, i could not relate.  I never even smoked a cigarette.  Well technically when i was five years old, my crazy cousin forced me to puff one.  But that was it.  So where was I?  So i don't know what happened but i needed to know how much Big J loved me.

I know he loves me, but something inside me wanted to dare God.

And it happened, i slipped into a path Big J did not want me to take.  In the back of my mind, i dared Big J to love me. I was torn.   The world loved me and I loved the world and what it had to offer.  But a part of me, a bigger part of me, did not care for the world.  Loved God.  I tried to synthesize this.  Can i not just be a follower who does not rock the boat?  I'm rich beyond what i've dreamed of.  I look at price tags and do not flinch.  What i want, I could get. 

And I am loved.  By friends, by families.  And i love them. 

 By all means I was a success in every way.  I've made it.  I live the life others dream of.

So what is the problem? 

Because i know it doesn't stop here.  I feel a call in my life that goes beyond my own understanding.  And it is that call that both energizes and scares me.  So i fled Big J's path.  Thinking maybe He'd give up on me.  I mean i would if i were Him.

But throughout that adventure of fleeing, God raised up people to speak to my life, without them knowing what i was going through.  And in this , He made me realize that no matter how big or small our sins are, His grace, His love is more than enough.

I learned how amazing his grace really was.

I'm still scared but how can i escape His call in my life?  I am captivated by His love. 

I speak vaguely, but let me close with this, to whoever reads this, no matter how much you've done, or rebelled, His love trumps that.  I know, I know it because I have first hand experience.