Break me shake me

I remember what started me into blogging.  It was J that started me writing.  Not Big J, just another J that i met in this life.  Early 20s J.  Funny how things get forgotten, or lost under the fallen leaves.  Soon enough the leaves pile up and you just forget that underneath that, is solid ground. 

I walk and walk.  I don't think anybody reads this blog now that it has been several months that i have ignored its existence.  There's no excuse for missing to write.  It had been therapeutic for me back in my medical school days, and now i will find comfort in it once again.  I need to sort things out, I need to understand, i need to go back... i need to listen to the sound of the keyboard again.

I am confused.

Always, songs from switchfoot could have been written by me. 

Between who you are and who you should be.

Why should i always care?

Isn't it my time to choose this time Big J?

And why not letting me in on the secret or just handing me a road map?

But it doesn't work that way, and i know that even though i don't understand your ways, you are still You and you deserve my praise, and my obedience and most importantly my heart.  But it's hard.  How does one do that?  In my heart i love you and that you know, it's the showing you, it's the obeying you, it's the not being self centered and self indulgent that is hard.  Granted, i make wrong decisions, but i get freaking scared that if i obey you and then not listen closely then miss some steps after i obey you that i blow things up.  Cause i have blown some things up majorly.  Major major.

I look at the ring on my finger.

Must i choose?

I choose you and in that choice i mark the death of me... again.

Talk to me.

I went through what you said before and i am not sure i am ready for that heartache. 

I followed this unction to go to the US and now I am on top of the world , I am where I am but lost in a foreign land.  My friends, all in facebook.  Confined to getting persistent calls from some people who because i made it in the financial arena, thinks I am their bank.  Buy me this. Buy me that. Get me this. Get me that. 

This is a test of the will and of the heart.  Big J, please, if you are going to see me through this, then do know i could break. 

Do not break me and not intend to reform me.