chief

Twenty three more days and i am finally going home.

After nearly three years of being away, i'm going home.

I'm excited, but how would it feel like to go home to a place where there's no more lola vida? To a place where rustom is now bebe? Will it be the same? I wonder about these things. I have in a way changed. I now pay taxes. I drive my own car. I rent my own apartment. People back home would probably perceive me as big time.

Am i big time?

I still feel like a kid. That everything is still surreal. I still want to crawl back to bed and have chicken soup.

I remember when i was a medical student and I got sick. Lola Vida knocked at my room and told me to rest. She made sure i had salted eggs, gave me cheese cup cakes and coke. She was my grandmother and she is dead. I fear going back and realizing that is true. I dread walking up to her tombstone and letting reality hit me. Ten thousand miles away from her grave, i could still lie to myself and say that she is still alive, but when i finally walk up the grass hill where she lies, then i would realize how i would be missing a part of me.

Diba pinakamamahal mo si lola vida mo? That is what my bestfriend Majo asked me a couple of nights ago. See as long as i don't see her empty bed, as long as i don't see the empty dining table, i am fine.

I am thankful though for the love she gave me, thankful for her life. I just wish i could have showed her how she made a difference in my life.

But we go on with our lives, propelled by the past, inspired by the future, molded by the present. I have nothing more to ask from my life, i am blessed beyond measure. Who would have thought that the kid with a bad heart would be found by grace and be given wings by Big J?

My desire is that my heart would always chase after God. That i would not let the successes go to my head, that i would always always be a mirror, reflecting God's glory. That i have the courage to follow him when i am weak. To not be afraid to set a different standard. To not be lazy and go with the flow of this world. I deal with lots of temptations, i've been tempted and was near the point where i would stumble, but in his infinite love, Big J made sure that my steps were sure.

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We get evaluations usually at the end of the rotation. I was surprised with the comment of one of the senior doctors who i thought was really intelligent and who i admired for his great skills. He put down that he thought i was one of the best and brightest students he ever taught. This from a sixty year old doctor. It was enough to make me work harder.
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The chief of internal medicine called me up to his office.

I thought uh oh. what have i done wrong?

He asked me whether i was running for chief residency (i.e. boss resident for internal medicine). Deadline was in a couple of days. I said no. He said three people already applied but i just called you in to know why you haven't applied.

It is just scheduling. I said. ANybody could schedule.

I told him about Elaine MD, who for me was the best chief resident i know. She was a person i knew back in my UST days. I told him how i admired her, how she taught me, how she inspired me to be a better doctor. I told him that if i could have that same leeway, then i would apply for it. I am not going to take any job just because it would look good on the resume. I would do it only if i think I would be great at it and i am the right person for it. I said, those three candidates are good ones.

He looked at me and said. I did not call every resident here to ask them why they did not apply. I asked you to come here because i think you fit the picture of a chief resident. Deadline is coming up but if you so want, it does not apply to you, give it a few days and think about it.

I said okay.

Back home, my mind was reeling.

Me? Chief Resident?

I mean i'm not chief resident yet but to be told by the head honcho that he thinks i should be the chief resident, that was like mind boggling. How did i get here? Again again again?

Why don't you apply? My co resident asked me. It's good for the resume.

You don't get it. I'm not in it for the resume. My future is assured by God. I want to know if this is something i could be passionate about and be good at. Well let's see.