And it goes on

I took a shower one confusing night. Well i always shower every night, but that night was confusing. My mind told me that I would be foolish to not run for chief resident, that it is a good opportunity, but inside me, inside i was doubting. And when i doubt in the face of perfectly good logic, it means that something is wrong.

I felt like it was not for me. That i shouldn't even be considering it because i felt Big J had other plans up his sleeve. Like getting more involved with other things. But i persisted of course, it does seem good on a resume. Could i do the job though? I thought i could, and i think everyone likes me enough to vote for me.

So what do you do when the crown is being offered, and yet an inner voice tells you otherwise? If this were a movie then the protagonist would have made the right choice, follow the inner voice. I felt for a moment like i was Russel Crowe in gladiator. I could become one of the greatest chiefs this program has known, I would do this, do that, they'd look up to me. I am good at what i do and i could put in more effort. Projects galore, listen to residents, whatever it takes. But i wasn't 100 percent sold out to the idea. But i went ahead and agreed to apply for chief.

During the long wait, people kept telling me they will vote for me etc. They wanted me to win. As it was an election, i had a mental calculation of how many votes i am sure to get and from that i knew i was going to win the position. Heck even the program director wanted me to be in the race. But then i did not have peace.

Like i was trying to win this for what again? I fell in love with the fact that i could be called chief, though a glorified schedule maker and complaint taker, the title was seductive. It will be good for resume but then again another part of me was telling me otherwise. It was telling me to remember my purpose, Big J's purpose, my destiny was different. So I said if it is not your will Big J, then let me lose this fight.

When the results of the election came I was half wanting to win, half wanting to lose. I was scared to win, because one, i haven't completely figured out Big J's decision on it and also because of that big fat chance that i could really win this election. And why am i not able to figure out Big J's plan? It boils down to me not spending any time with him. I don't know.

I opened the email to find out that i did not get the position.

Was i disappointed? Yes of course. Nobody wants to lose an election.

But it made me think hard.

Did i just lose really or is there something more to this? People come up to me asking me why i am not the chief when they voted for me. I shrug my shoulders.

If it something more, what is Big J planning for my life?