Winter just wasn't my season

How i started to write.

There was this one person who got me to write. Maybe becaue he was such a good writer himself. I'm not sure whether he still writes now. He should. For that season he was my best friend. For the winter he was my fireplace. And now it's spring and he is nowhere to be found. I had to leave winter behind.

If not for Big J, i am one big messed up person inside. Lots of questions run inside my head. Lots of fears, apprehensions. Big J seem to know them all and well lately, sometimes I do scare myself. For a long time I have been content with running by myself, successful at dodging people who promise the world and the moon. What if I wasn't as simple as I thought? What if my mind and emotions are not as predictable? Likely i belong to the plus or minus 3 standard deviation of the bell's curve.

The howling winds outside my place do scare me. Not ghostbusters type of scare, although i have to admit sigourney weaver was really scary in that movie, and oh by the way, be kind rewind of jack black is hilarious, but the "something's amiss" type of scare. As the day of my coming home to visit draws near , i recount all the things that happened to me here, how much of my optimism had been robbed and how much of it i am still fighting to win back. I'm scared to go back and let reality hit me - that i lost two of the people i love to Hades and I would have to kiss a cold stone in place of their cheeks, that i will never get to tell them my story, that i could not tell them in my successes, they were there, and in my battles, it was their faces that kept me going. I fear going back and seeing how much i have missed out on my friends, to listen to them tell me their history instead of me reminiscing it with them, to meet the newest member of my family, their new son who replaced the daughter who went away. I am scared to be miscast, misplaced. I woke up a couple of hours ago from a bad dream. That my sister was crying and she was asking for my help, and just as i was about to help her, i woke up and realized i was not in any position to do that because i was ten thousand miles away.


Why do you not want to take that position? What are you so scared of?

Argh. The complicated web we weave. I , unfortunately, am partly a product of my past. And that is what Big J is still trying to slowly, (hopefully if i let him), cure me of. Being the resident psychiatrist in my circle, I often saw how the more hurtful things were about one person's pride hurting because of the success of the partner. It was a recurrent theme i guess, and I always get scared to become too high up and end up like that. Silly fears but real.

I was ironing my clothes a while ago. What if i could end up hurting the people i love? Now that is a scary thought. Maybe if we just stop loving people, stop letting them get too close to us, then maybe that will never happen. Kahlil Gibran said that about love, about how if you do that, i.e. love half heartedly, then you will cry but not with all your tears, and you will laugh, but not all of your laughter. In my world, that is called bipolar disorder. But really, what would most people choose?

I am not sure. I think it's the fiber speaking.

It's 1013 pm, i usually don't write stuff until it's 2am. But what the heck, it's been a long time. Maybe if i write what i feel then maybe it will all disappear.