Throwing in the towel

So much to write about.

Current mood: Undetermined. Mostly i am grieving the loss of my grandmother, lola Vida.

She wasn't really my grandmother, but she played the role of being my lola. Ask me who my lola is and she will be one of them. For five years i stayed at her place, for five years, i have nothing but good memories of her, of her always taking care of me, always asking me if I slept already, whether i ate already. She would make sure i would have enough food, i would have my salted eggs and tomatoes, i would have my coke, i would have whatever it is i needed and wanted. She loved me like her own grandchild. I loved her like she was my own grandmother. And now, she passed away. Her poor health couldn't stand it anymore.

I keep saving lives but not the lives of the people i love.

I look at my itinerary.

I was suppose to go back on may. I was suppose to arrive on may 2 in the philippines and the very next day, i was suppose to visit her. I wanted to take her out to the nicest restaurants, take her shopping, tell her of my US stay, but how can i do that? I will be going to the cemetery when i go there. With flowers she would never get to see, with chocolates she will never get to eat, with perfumes she will never get to wear. I look at my calendar and see that note with the words "lola vida" scribbled. Now i have to erase that because i have no more lola vida. I am going back to a place where there would be no more big smile to greet me, no more words of wisdom to listen to. Just an empty place.

Baka di ko na mahintay si Cheen. That is what my lola said last Christmas. Why couldn't i have gone there earlier? I am not sure. I need to write. I need to make sense out of this nonsense. I am sad. I am crying for my loss. She was the best lola, she was so unselfish, such a positive force in my life.

When you lose someone you really love , it's like your whole body breaks down. No amount of consoling could do. Buti kung maibabalik ng "i'm sorry" or condolence ang buhay ni lola. But what can i do? i wake up and wear my white coat, put a stethoscope around my neck, study hard and work hard in the hopes that maybe i could make some stranger's grandmother live a little bit longer.

And so this is how it ends.