one little two little three little indians

So he died. Each passing day it seem like the past is stealing from my present. Instead of he is, i now use he was. When would you know that your tenses would be reversed? That your current state of affairs would be relegated into memories.

I was hoping that when i come home, four months from now, I'd get a friend of mine to remove his cataracts. I was hoping to see my lola, but i wasn't even there when they buried her, because I'm here, she's there. I was hoping to surprise Kuya Piding with my gift. I would have at least some money to give him the gift of seeing again. And now what do i do with this benjamins? do i clothe myself with fancy brand names? Do i eat at fancy places? I can't bear to think that those could have been for his eyes. But he is dead now.

I'm here. They are there. The plot is the same but the characters are different.

I can't say it's not fair. I chose to live. I chose to love people. And people die. And that hurts. And that sucks. A lot. It hurt when malaika died. When uncle manoy died. When kuya ed died. When buboy died. When tito boy died. When lola died. But what can i do? I was given just a finite amount of days to say i love them. I never did tell them those words. Who does say those words? I kind of thought that was given. I mean i would rather have someone show me that they love them than say them, rather than have someone say they love you and yet keep doing things that contradict the statement.

I love you is such an abused expression.

Do we really say that and mean that? Or do we just say it because everybody's saying it and it feels good to have someone to say that to? What do you mean when you say i love you? Do you demand for the standard, i love you too response? I'm not sure.

I am not feeling well as i write this. Maybe it's the events as of late. I just want to sleep and be told that everything is going to be alright, that the people i love are happy with their life, that they lack nothing, that they don't cry at night because of problems, that they are satisfied with what they have done. It should be that simple. Life should be that simple.