this could be the difference

I remember reading those lines and tearing up because of it. It was the first time i read the entire poem at that obscure section of that bookstore in some obscure place of the world. Maybe, pablo neruda writes, she loves me.

Loving is so short, forgetting is so long.

You will love again. We will love again. It might not be a one shot deal.

I know what pipe dreams are, i know what reality is. I won't stand in your way of being this person you were destined to be. You are up there, i am down here. It won't work. I will not get in the way.

Sa dinamidami ng aking minahal
Panandalian lamang at ilan ang nagtagal
Iisa pa lamang ang binabalikan
Alaala ng kahapon pinabayaan

The stethoscope around my neck felt heavy.

Who is your first love?

I try hard to think about it.

I recently came across the writings of a woman scorned. She apparently loved this guy dearly but for the life of her, he never loved her back. And she was angry, and let the whole literary world knew it. I was taken aback by such anger, remembering how the world would often mix those two.

Was it because i knew her love that those writings disturbed me in some way?

Iba ang telenovela sa totoong buhay. Her love. Was he ever hers to begin with? She apparently belonged to him but not vice versa. Who belonged to who then? I wanted desperately to know the answer to those writings.

I remember that i never really knew what love meant until one bled for it. It never meant hurting the one you love. Love always protects. It always trusts, it always hopes. It keeps no record of wrongs. I'm not saying i am perfect, but if i close my eyes and try to regurgitate the past, i could not remember any record of wrongs. I just smile and say it was a good run. Like how you remember a favorite movie. Or a favorite song. That was a great song. And you remember how you danced. And it puts a smile back on your face. That i think, is how past love should be remembered. But what do i know?

Sa dinamidami ng aking nakapiling
Kung sino sino ang umibig sa akin
Iisa pa lamang ang inaasam asam
Ang nakalipas di maaring balikan


The first time i realized i loved dogs, i knew i wanted the big dogs. Saint bernard or perhaps a retriever. I have loved all of my dogs but in the back of my mind, when my retriever or saint bernard came, it would be the best dog i would ever have. Then along came frankie, small puny, shih tzu w0ho wasn't mine to begin with. He was my sister's. It was a rocky start, frankie suffered from some blindness which eventually got better. I wasn't home that much and never knew the dog really well to be that much affected. But when i came home and traded my white gown for an apron, me and frankie became quite close friends. Eventually frankie decided i was his master, and among all the other dogs, it was frankie that i found to be the most special. He was the dog i always wanted, but never really pictured to be.

And if you are smart enough, this blog is not about dogs. But yes, frankie is my dog and i love him best.
*
So in a twist of funny events, i finally met the person i always knew i knew. Only three persons could understand this blog, the person i met, and my closest friend slash relative. She told me of this guy she met who lives in new york city and how she casually mentioned she had a cousin in kalamazoo. I think Ate, she told me , you have a lot in common. He looks like a chick magnet, comes across as intelligent and sincere and nice. Good looking , but he, is not your type.

What do you mean by that?

My cousin laughed. You and your japanese wakeboarders.

I had to laugh. Me and my what wakeboarders?

Memories of mcdreamy haunt me for a nanosecond. Tin, i said, veering off topic, when i get back from the US, i would have to tell you how I lived the grey's anatomy life. I cringe at the thought of that eventful phase of my life. I am relieved that i am now past that and actually thank God for blessing the broken road that led me to that very moment with my cousin.

I had little time to tell her, too many patients dying, to tell my cousin that i am happy. That all preconceived notions flew out the door and that this time, it feels right because in my gut feel, where i am right now, is where i need to be, and where i want to be. Walang drama, walang jean garcia, walang amor powers, walang nang aagaw sa tunay na del valle, puro rafael torralba lang.


Am i showing my jologs side again?

Ako na talaga ang isa sa mga pinakabaduy at jologs na tao na kilala ko.


At kahit iba na
Ang minamahal mo
Kung sino man ang siyang may ari ng iyong puso
Ang bawat pangalan, kalaro at kaibigan,
iisa pa lamang ang minahal ko ng ganito.