i wish you well

It shouldn't be this way. But what the heck was i thinking? For some reason i thought that the people i leave behind will be there waiting for me when i go home. I mean it is just three years. Why does the world have to change? It's spinning around, it's not under my control as much as i would want it to be. I am a doctor and i should be used to death. But i never could get over the fact that i could save lives of other people and not the people i care about.

You worry too much, you are not superman.

The last goodbye i had with lola. This is like malaika's death all over again. I don't know if i could cry. I feel numb. She was receiving her dialysis when all of a sudden she collapsed and died. They couldn't revive her. I mean she was in her 90s and probably the life she lived was no longer the life she wanted and it was good to let her go, but i can't shake this feeling that i wasn't there. That i can't go home for her funeral because i am taking care of patients who still have a shot for a better life. And maybe their joy would somehow make my grief less. I don't know. If i go home, what good would it do? Nothing. She lived a good life and i just hope and pray that.. I dunno what i hope and pray for. I am not sure.

I worry.

Life is so short. And i'm not going to go on preaching about how what we have now should be cherished, how we should love the people we love like there's no tomorrow. Everybody knows that. I just want an outlet. I just need to type. I need to do something with my hands to keep my head from thinking too much, to keep my heart from breaking or to keep those tears from falling. I cannot be weak , i need to have a clear head, a stiff upper lip and i need to be all those things because i could not afford to be otherwise. If i have to talk to myself to be strong i will do that, if i need to get drunk on coffee , i'll do that. I don't know how i feel. What's the socially acceptable feeling?

The snow is falling outside. The news say that it's going to be blizzard like condition late this afternoon. What is going on back home? The sun is probably shining in the philippines, but for my relatives, it must be cold like the winter here in michigan.

Lola pupunta po ako ng "steyts" para magdoctor at magpakadalubhasa. She opened her eyes and looked at me and smiled. Magpadala ka ng dollars, she jokes. She used to buy me rice crispies and bibingka when i was a little kid. I have cheerios and cheesecake in my apartment now. No rice crispies from her, no bibingka.

THis was bound to happen. I just have to get used to this. Wherever she is, i wish my lola well, and i hope she finally sees my lolo at the end.