Countdown to new year

December 31 2006 5:06 pm... several hours and it will be new year, here in the United States of America. And i feel like my heart has been thrown to a blender and is forever on level 4 grinding. Too dramatic of course but it feels a lot like that. I've got my ipod on and songs of parokya ni edgar and eraserheads mute my surroundings. I can do this. I can get through this without any memories of new year back home. How can i forget?

I memorize lines easily from a movie and could, recite the whole script of man in the iron mask easily. If i can't forget a movie, what more about my life for the past quarter of a century?

New year means pangasinan. Driving six hours to pangasinan. Stocking on fireworks. Fivestar. Fountain. Roman Candles. Sparklers. Fireworks. Burning old rubber tires. Parol. Lechon. Palabok. Smoke. Watching nostradamus with my cousins and predicting that tomorrow is definitely the end of the world. Listening and watching ate bevett blow her handle because the ham has not been perfected. Eating high cholesterol, high in trans fat food all day and not gaining a pound. Hearing empty promises of going to San Fabian beach the next day. Going to the mall for some last minute shopping. Having my pasta be butchered by my aunt. Eating ate kate's brownies. The smell of mosquito coils. I'm even missing those stupid mosquitoes and caladryl or vick's. Calasiao puto (rice cakes or rice in the form of balls). Hot chocolate. Eden cheese. Fried milkfish. Bagoong. Tita Belen's embutido. The latest chismis on people. The latest girlfriend of dondi boy. Tito Romy's craziness. Daddy's wacky stories. Our neighbor's weird reunion where they get all the kids from them to pee , and whoever pees farthest is the winner. I even miss Piding, the family house-elf in Harry Potter terms. I miss having a helper, having someone else do my laundry, having someone get me plate, spoon and fork, water... I know i am regressing. The countdown to new year me and more or less eighty family members make. The beso beso. The text messages i get from Globe, Smart and Sun Cellular friends. Arrrgh. Someone stop me.

Mantra for today: different is great. Different is okay. Different is palatable.

Shoot. I woke up today and promised myself that i would be cheerful. Cheerful my ass. How can I when i woke up from a dream that I was back home in hot hot manila? Chasing destiny would be a lot easier if only i could bring everyone i love, every place I love, with me all the time. In paolo coelho, the boy hesitates chasing after his destiny because he would be leaving everything behind, and the sage tells him that if he didn't chase after his destiny, then time will come when he would always regret not doing that.

I could not really understand what my friend once told me of how he felt like he was alone when in fact the room was full of people. Who ever said chasing destiny was easy? I knew i would feel this way at one point or another, I just didn't count on feeling it this soon and feeling like my stomach is forever in knots.

I am still thankful. My relatives are here. It's just so radically different from the noisy histrionic people i am used to. Lacrimal duct do not act up tonight. Automatic shutdown of emotions is needed here.

So no blowing of horns even for new year? Even a little fire?

For now, i'll just rev up the volume of ipod and hope against hope that Ely Buendia's voice would transport me back to the place that defined who I am.