New year's resolution

To dream again.

After spending a year or two in some sort of oblivion to the world, i feel like the frost is melting.

Whenever i take my dog out for a walk every morning, i notice frost buildup on the car windows. That frost inevitably melts when the sun shines on them. Not instantly, but as the day progress, the frost that the night brought disappears and becomes a mere memory. I cannot help but think how i have been in limbo since i came to the united states. You see i am a dreamer, a romantic, an achiever, an enthusiast who stopped believing, stopped running because it was so damn tiring to run and run and leave everything and everyone behind. I know that me being here is good for a lot ofeople, i get to pay what needs to be paid, to redeem what needs to be redeemed, but there is a part of me that just wants, for once to be rescued. Not to always play the part of the lonely hero but the part where she is helped. Call me immature but i wanted to stop playing hero, and start feeling like a kid again, whre i can just come home and be the one that is asked if i needed any help.

I guess in a weird inexplicable way, i always get handed this role, not sure why. It started with me fixing domestic arguments and now escalated to me being here in some foreign country, supporting a family back home and paying off their debt. It is a recurrent theme, why can i not just get over it and deal with it, just maybe go home and not mind who doesnt get paid ? Why do i have to do it? I guess nobody asks to be handed such a responsibility. The pressures ten years ago made me start writing. To write was something i never do well, but i found solace in it and found a friend who i spent a long time trying to replace. Until now irreplaceable. I Jumped off a plane, i saw most of the united states, went under the sea, went up the mountain, crossed a lot of things off my bucket list and yet i have yet to see my friend's smile. The sparkle in my friend's eyes. I imagine my friend sipping green tea and laughing, taking my hand and asking me to dance in the rain and catch pneumonia.

Is it true that you cannot have everything? Because my heart doesnt believe that. My world tells me othwise but my heart struggles with it everyday. Did i imagine it? Did my friend really made me smile in the middle of manila just thinking about an old book?

But with everything in life, we bury the past and try to move past it. We get the shovel and cast dirt on the casket until we convince ourselves that is the ending. But dreams are not a one shot thing. I could dream again, and maybe this time it will be a different character. Maybe this dream will be more daring. Maybe it will not involve the same characters. Act one is over, and recess is just about finished. Act two is coming up soon, i need to get ready. I need to dream again. I need to believe again. I need to let go of these ties that i entangled myself and start dreaming again, running again, believing the impossible again.

Father give me the strength to be everything you need me to be. I have a limited vision for my life, but Big J, fashion me to what suits you, not what i think suits me. I am afraid that i am myopic in thid.