set apart

I'm reading this book, set apart femininity by Leslie Ludy.

a lot has happened in my life lately.  I broke up with A for reasons that made sense and for reasons that did not make sense.

Part of the reason is that i took a long look at my life and despite everything, i knew, I needed to place my happiness in God rather than on a person. I needed to pursue God. 

But as with all pursuits, blocks come along the way.  Just as i have decided to pursue God, first road block is this guy who is ardent in pursuing me.  Blocks are only blocks because we make it as such.  I have made him a block.  I realize that i am weak without God.  I am foolish and i desperately need guidance.

I keep saying i wish God would give me a road map, foolishly thinking that the Bible is not a road map.  I just didn't want what it said. It speaks deeply, it speaks the truth, it speaks what i need to hear, it speaks what i do not want to hear. 

The problem with my Christianity is that I have made it into a pop culture christianity.  I lust after the world's approval and I want to still be technically christian.  I shudder at the thought of going against this world, because I do enjoy this world, and yet with the smugness of the religious pharisees, i enjoy it enough but not to the point of being "worldly".

What the fudge am I saying?  What diluted Christianity I have.  I am half alive.  Half spirit. Half flesh.  Pick one cheen!  I either let the spirit die or the flesh die, but i need to choose one.  Can i really trade in the perks of the flesh, the perfume and make up for the grit and grime of real Christianity?

Who is this Jesus who is asking me to trade everything I have for the experience of knowing HIs love?

Who is this Christ who is asking me to abandon the applause of the world in exchange for the applause of heaven?

Why should I forsake a world that embraces me? 

Why should i exchange wiping my mouth from cheesecakes for wiping other people's tears?

Why can't i have the best of both earth and heaven?

What do you mean by abandonment?

Why can I not have the adoration of both worlds?

There are two important dates in a person's life - the day they were born and the day they realize why.

Today, two days shy of my thirtieth birthday, I am going on a journey to get the answers.  Is it possible to be so crazy in love not with Jay -Z but with J-esus?  What did they learn?  What did they feel when they followed this J-esus?  I know Jesus, he is my savior, but i long to know him the way Jacob did.  The way Peter did.  The way Paul did.  I fear that such a quest is going to change me.  I know the power that God has, I've seen it move in my life amazingly and miraculously.  But i fear if i go any nearer, it will change the me i know.

 I feel such a call in my life.  I've been wading by the shore and he's asking me to go swim further.  To depths of ocean that i could not even see the bottom.  I don't want to drown.  I don't want no control.  If i go deeper in his love, I will be controlled by his waves.   But i am drawn. 

We'll see.