sana maulit muli

Outside, winter claimed and killed everything i love. The lake. The blue skies. The warm sun. The sound of flowing water. The song of the birds. Murdered. Silenced.

It's such a long winter. Never did the night seem darker.

Has it been four years since I first set foot on the land of milk and honey?

Has it been five years since they called me a doctor the first time?

Has it been five and a half years when my whole body burned from the tropic sun? When i last tasted instant coffee and lemon cupcakes?

Has it been six years when i first held a baby in my arms? Six years when i first delivered a baby to her mother's arms?

Has it been nine years when i cried and took a stand for the right thing, flinging me to events unknown that would lead me to this?

To this unknown place, full of gold and whose people constantly try to change me.

People who know not of hunger, who know of no poverty, of death.

They tell me to complain, to fight for what is mine, to serve me first and others later.

I've been in this tundra for so long.

I need to go back to my people. My people who know of hunger, who know of poverty and death. Who tells me to sacrifice, to be thankful for what I have, and to serve others first. I feel like some stranger wandering in the desert. I know there's an end to it and i keep walking, but i can't help but feel beaten down. It's only when i sleep that i remember who i was. Where is that person?

We grow callouses to protect us from hard surfaces. The chameleon changes color to survive his environment. Evolution. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. The weak succumbs to death. A hardened heart, a less innocent smile, a guard that's always up, never trusting, never hoping, calculating, exacting, demanding. They call it growing up.

You got to get yourself together.

The wind whispers my name and i remember who i was. Somebody whispers my name. Calling me. Not my title. Not my achievements. The voice calls me. Me. Unguarded me. I look around. I want to go back, i don't like this version of me. But isn't this what people become to survive?

Because he loves me says the Lord, I will protect him. I will cover him with my feathers, and under my wings, he shall find refuge.

Could there be such a love that would protect me and make me like new? To transform me step by step? I recall hearing of such. I recall knowing of such. I remember how Big J came and died for me. I recall of boxing him up and saying, thank you so much, I'll take it from here. I can now do this on my own. Thanks for taking me this far. Yes i booted him out of my car. You ask how can I take the driver's wheel again? How can I take over again when everything was doing well when Big J took over?

I'm human.

I thought. I believed.

That if I ate the apple that i would be like Him.

Knowing what is good and evil.

Having the capacity to decide which is which, i thought i would then have the wisdom to choose my own path, decide my destiny, paint my own future, nothing like signing a masterpiece with my initials.

But i didn't paint a masterpiece. I ruined what started out to be a good artwork. Chose the wrong color and paint brush. I chipped off the clay from the pot. I managed to drive the car into a ditch.

What would I profit if i gain the whole world and lose my own soul?

I had fame. I had charm. I had popularity. I had the riches. But where was my soul?

This Big J, He must be around! You must know I have the knack to fail you over and over again. Why did you love me in the first place and why, why should you ever take me back?

I don't know, but i know you would do it again and again. Seventy seven times seven.

I'm human and have the heart of the human and could never comprehend why you love me so.