Genesis

At the risk of revealing myself too much, i just have to write this entry.

The details are in another tucked away blog, but i'll try to make up for the lack of specificity.

This is different. Feels impossibly right but i hesitate to make another decision until Big J tells me to go. I've made some pretty stupid decisions in my life, mostly out of good intentions, but really prior to making those decisions, at the back of my mind, there would be this reminder from Big J, that's not the right choice, go on, go back and wait.

Wait.

Wait.

And i could come up with rationalizations and a whole slew of defense mechanisms ranging from immature to mature to neurotic.

Once. Several years ago. For so many years.

Like something pablo neruda would write.

Stars shivering in the distance. Maybe he was mine. Pablo neruda wrote. Love is so short, forgetting so long. Good words. Tear stained inks. Of extricating yourself and taking back your heart because of a belief that it belonged to someone else. You want me to do what ? To wait for who knows who? This would not work.

I need you to give up what's in your heart.

And i did. And i followed an adventure. I followed and there was a battle that ensued. I led some of the insurgence, trying to take back from Big J what i thought was mine. Sure i often prayed, let your heartbeat be my heart's cry, but that came under the supposition that I would be the pacemaker. And of course, people around me as well tried to take possession of it. Until i finally said one day, you win Big J. It's yours. I meant it.

And then the world turns around and like all those tv shows, another season opens.

I keep telling myself it's not a sprint, it's a marathon. I want to fast forward and see it, but i want to do things differently now. Not neurotic different. Just Big J's way. She yielded to God's molding, and he just recognized. I don't think she jabbed him and asked him to look. It was God who woke up Adam and showed him Eve. Adam saw himself in her. And maybe that's what God wants for us. That we allow Big J to mold our future, and really our only participation is allowing Him to do that.

That i may have eyes that opens up to recognize, and closes when God wants me to sleep.

Yield or conquer.

Black or white.

Submit or overcome.

... how do i show you it's true? Hear my heart, it longs for more of you.. i have fallen deeply in love with you. You have stolen my heart, i'm captivated by You. Never will you and I part, I have fallen deeply in love with you.

Big J, the ball is in your court. You tell me what to do.