American Gladiators and Delilah

And so in what seem to be a long time of argument and clashes of will, i finally gave up on one of the last strongholds of my life to Big J. I can't say much about it but enough to say that it is a deeply held fear or anxiety that is a product of the past that has kept me from going further with my walk with Christ.

I fear commitment.

I fear that if i totally love Big J, that he might end up disappointing me. that he might break my trust. SO i see that flow into some of my relationships. Okay stop denial here. In most of my relationships. I am pretty much fearless except for one thing - that of giving too much of myself in any relationship. I know the reason behind this, and i will not replay the drama of it. Big J decides to take that fear from me, and I put up a fight, in not so many words. He made me realize a lot of stuff, and how he has never disappointed anyone, that let every man be a liar , but God is true. Instead of a lost and found list, God wanted me to put a lose and find list.

He wanted me to give to him the following stuff and in exchange, i'll rely on him to replace it with something better.

my weakness for his strength
my fears for his courage
my doubt for his faith

etc. etc.

This is going to be interesting. I'm putting down my defenses which weighs me down so much, so i could truly be a God chaser.

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One year here in the U.S.

Can't wait to go home after this.

To see black hair , thin people after this.

I am a kid at heart. I try to look at people and believe the best in them. But the more i do that, i realize there are just some bad people. People who envy you and want you to go down because they think they should be better than you. Case in point, i had a case, worthy of a case presentation , it's a very rare one in a million case (literally) and i was so excited. I'm not into presenting cases, other people are into that. I promised myself if i would do this, it would be for the interest of me, for teaching and learning from it, and not for accolades. I mentioned the case to my co worker and she goes about after a few hours and tries to disprove that the test that we got was not specific for the disease. Now i did some reading into it and i knew what she meant, but the way it was said, the timing it was said, the spirit behind it was ... different.
I may be wrong. I hope I am wrong, but if i'm not, why couldn't people be happy for others? Why the need to bring them down? I'm not running after smartest doctor. I've got my own race. She could have the nobel peace prize for all i care.

I also figured out that people tend to use other people. Uhmmm. Hmmm. And when they get what they want, or don't get what they want, they just move on and leave whatever's left of you behind. The only good thing I have realized out of this would be I've learned to separate the gold from the glitter. I figured out i tend to judge people from their outward appearance, and tend to sometimes pick glitter over gold. I, more than ever, began to see how precious my real friends are. How my family is really great. The fire melted away the fake and left me seeing how many golds i have in my hand.

You know if you are one of the jewels of my life.

Thank you for being one.