So i got my christmas work schedule. Surprise surprise, i got the christmas eve - that is, i got to work on christmas eve - in the ICU of all places. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, even if the other fence means the sahara desert. Case in point, if we are not content with who we are, we will never be content wherever we are. And i've allowed myself to focus on the dark clouds, because it was romanticizing the drama. I've got no qualms about it, but if one isn't careful, it might turn out to be a self imposed prison.
What? You are working on christmas? My cousin asked. That sucks. He said.
Nice message to get during christmas ever. Whoopee. Great encouragement. It was 5 minutes to 12 midnight, i was at the ICU, the cafeteria was closed and all i had for "christmas dinner" were cereals and ham sandwich. Thoughts of barbeque, mashed potatoes, ate kate's baked potatoes, roasted chicken, roasted pig, kuya piding's palabok, etc. crossed my mind. Even my dog will be eating better christmas dinner than this. There are always two sides to every story, two paths I could choose - wallow in misery or see the brighter side. Big J spoke to me amidst the beeping of the ICU machines. Christmas, for christians should not be a one day thing. It shouldn't even be about christmas dinner, it shouldn't be about family reunions, or christmas tree or caroling, or getting together. Yes, we associate it with that...
... but christmas is about being inconvenienced.
I look around the ICU. My pager kept beeping me. I spent christmas taking calls from distraught nurses.
It's about getting off your comfort zone.
Beep! Beep! Patient Blah Blah could not breathe. I think you should come down here and intubate him.
It's leaving heaven to come to a stale , smelly, full of horse manure manger to help a bunch of ingrates who will crucify the King of Kings later.
Well who am i suppose to call? The nurse at the other end of the phone snapped at me. I couldn't read the doctor's signature. She sounded exasperated, and believe me it took all my strength not to snap back and tell her to stick the chart to where the sun does not shine. She was calling for a patient i never knew, for a task that wasn't mine. Oh the creative words i held back...
It's about having purpose, it's about leaving your family behind to pursue something bigger than yourself. It was after all the King's decision to leave his royal clothes behind and take up the garments of a beggar.
So doctor gutierrez, what do you make of that blood gas? What is the story of this patient? No, it's this. You have to ask more. It's 3 am and this senior doctor was grilling me for something he already knows. all i wanted to do was sleep. But i tell my body to wake up. People were dying. that's the only thing i needed to know.
It's about taking all you have and giving it to the people you love. Giving it to the people who hate you. To the people who doesn't care about you. To the people who do not know you. To people who might never love the King back. It's about loving someone unreasonable without any rhyme or reason. It's loving someone just because you love them and that's the only truth God knows.
It's about being stubborn.
Christmas is christmas just because he decided he'll love us no matter what.
I slept for two hours. I was awake for almost twenty three hours.
When i opened my eyes, i was at first disoriented. I wasn't home. I wasn't surrounded by the beach, my face wasn't caressed by the ocean breeze. I wasn't by my family, by my friends. No household help to attend to my every need. To serve me breakfast, to iron my clothes... Slowly, all my senses kicked in. I looked around at the dark cold place. I could smell the stench of human excretions. Vomit and what have you's. All i could hear was come here. Help me. Do this. Do that. Save that. Breathe for me. Make my heart pump. Make me live.
I rub my eyes and utter a prayer for strength. And my Father says, Welcome to planet earth.
2 comments:
Yeah, senior resident who bides their time before committing to decision by pontificating around grilling junior resident of things they sometimes are unsure off to? Of senior residents who rely solely on the ABG, when they should have not known better that intubation is a clinical decision? Of senior residents who make their ass swell on the couch, while their juniors do the scut works or even their own very work?
How about this? Of nurses who keep on hollering on the slightest provocation-who never had the slightest inkling of what is transpiring before their very eyes? Or beat this-of patients who curse you when all you want to do is make them well!
Or of the times when you are so weary and tired and your mind is stressed out of the multitudes of medical judgments you had to make or should have not made? Or the times you feel so mall, pulled down from your ivory tower-as when you got a dressing down from your seniors or consultants? Yes, you’re good, you know you’re stuff, you’re confident of your abilities, but as always in medicine as in life there are many curve balls thrown your way and its doubly tasking when those curve balls are purposely and intentionally thrown your way to make you fall?
Glad you ask….. How do we love people who are unlovable? How do love people who hate us? How do we love our enemies? How to care people who don’t care for us- who looks to us as necessary inconvenience-a temporary plug in the hole-to keep hell at bay?
But you have answered your own questions. I’m glad you know the Kings of Kings. Hey, is this another run of the mill bullshitting around some old fashioned sentimentality, many might ask? You know very well that is not. Spiritual things are spiritually discerned. The eyes of faith see what an ordinary mortal’s eye don’t. When the prophets of Elisha is well surrounded by the mighty Syrian army, his faithless companion is sore afraid-he doesn’t see- but when his eyes were “opened”-he saw thousand of thousand flaming chariots of fire- mighty armies of the Lord- round about them on mountains, hills and planes!
You’re not alone Lois Lane. The eye of the King is on you. He can make you love the unlovable. Always, always, always remember----“They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength”. Do not let the enemy sidetrackyou but keep your eye on the ball. Always look to Jesus-the author and finisher of our faith! Fulfill your destiny-that is to give honor and glory to the King!
"your working on christmas! that sucks' - j santos haha
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