Cardiovascular surgery

Well mrs. b, the biopsy came back and it's cancer all right. We have to take it out.

I want a second opinion.

We did that already, we also got a third and fourth opinion remember?

They all came back positive. It's cancer and we have to remove it, and remove it fast.

What would happen if i just ride it out for a couple of weeks or months maybe?

Well i could be having a one sided conversation with a tombstone filled with i told you so's.

That urgent huh?

Sort of.

*
As hard as this may sound, i have to do it.

See meredith's life is complicated in grey's anatomy. But that is not going to be my life. People will not look at my life and say , oh she's the resident who has the three most eligible bachelor of the hospital after her. That's not going to be me. Exciting yes. Not exactly what Big J has in mind when i set out here for my residency.

Focus cheen. Focus. Big J keeps telling me that.

Now who knows it is hard to keep that focus when you have adonis people vying for your attention?

Everything in life all boils down to choices.

My good guy friend, Ali told me that all men are jerks. Not much to go from his statement but he just told me to be careful about this.

Now i could expound on the romantic aspect of it all, like how my knees turn into water when i see mcdreamy, or maybe i could give interesting complicated details as to how mcsteamy may be the mcdreamy and how mcdreamy could be the bad sleazy guy and turn this all into one bridget jones movie or turn this into one sad john mayer song where despite everything and everyone, it all boils down to that infamous back to you song.

Five months is enough to be confused. To go beyond that and not get my act together would be stupid, irrational and purposeless. I know what big j is telling me, i just don't want to listen to it some times. I received a wake up call today, i won't go in on the details, but let's just say when i stepped out of the car today, i got a clearer head. I had to go through that road to know that again, Big J knows best.

So here i am, typing away in front of a computer, waiting on Big J. It smarts. I have been talking to him on the drive back to the hospital. It was a tough conversation, i asked a lot of questions and i was like, show me the answer right here, right now. But i always knew the answer, i just wanted a different one. I promised to follow Christ and that means, giving up my will for his will, even on the tiniest details. He is even asking that my heart beats according to his heart beat, and i find that such a hard thing to do. He was essentially saying he wanted to be my pacemaker. The last bastion of my fortress, he asks me to give up.

It's scary when we see what's really inside of us. But what's worse is when we don't do anything about it. When we don't lay it down on the operating table to have the great surgeon look at it and excise it.

Well, here's my consent form Big J. Cut me open.