Of being in a crowded room and feeling alone

Get into the program says oprah.

One particular patient of mine cried and told me she couldn't lose the weight, easy for us to say, she says.

Point well taken. I weigh somewhere in between 103 to 110 pounds. Depending on the season. My size ranges from size 0 to 1 and on extremes junior number 12 or 14.

So how could i tell my patients how to lose their weight? It is driving me nuts. I am now reading about southbeach diet and the thing i fear about this is the effect it would have on kidneys if they don't hydrate themselves with at least eight glasses of water. Hitting two birds with one stone, i decided, heck i need to lose some weight as well, why not make an experiment with myself? I have an upcoming doctor's appointment by the end of october and i would then request for some kidney function test by that time, then maybe i will think twice about saying to my patients "just don't eat and you'll be fine". Apparently south beach diet is non restrictive about the portions of food you eat. I'm not much of a veggie eater, or protein eater but this diet is about that, so let's see. I'll chronicle this. I'm entering phase one tomorrow.

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It's no secret that for the past few months i lost some of my groove with internal medicine. I still love internal medicine but i guess a combination of new people, new environment, missing the people i left behind, well i'm not the enthusiastic slash teacher slash doctor as I was before. Granted i am still passionate about it, but it has greatly diminished. Some burn out i guess. THen compound that some senior residents were not exactly pristine models. Last night i had the chance to work with an awesome senior medical resident who reminded me a lot of why i fell in love with internal medicine, why i loved to teach , reminded me a lot of myself as a doctor in training way back in the philippines. It was a wake up call actually, I have been ordering some stuff over the phone nurse and I tell her about it and she tells me to write a note in the chart. A practice I used to do faithfully in the philippines. She was different from the other people i worked with who kept holding me back and telling me not to go there physically and just call. I looked at the phone and realized, heck, I've been allowing myself for the past couple of months to be dictated upon by doctors whose work principles i do not agree with. That moment of realization was not exactly a proud moment for me but then it was enough to discomfort me.

Part of the problem is that i terribly miss my co workers in UST. The co workers here are great, no doubt, but i couldn't help but wish that when i make a right down the hallway and the E.R. doors open, i would see Jilly girl's smile... or i'd see Randi waving at me and telling me about a patient or see Doring laughing with one of the patients. Last night, i had one patient who looked like Doring (assuming doring is american and is 65 years old) with terminal cancer who came to the hospital for his last hours (morphine drip for pain control of his massive bleeding from the stomach). I went to the room and saw he was surrounded by two of his closest friends. I had the chance to talk to them. And i was immediately transported to that day when Jillay was crying at one of the wards because she was so touched with the love the husband showed to one of her patients and was wondering whether when she was old, there would be someone who would take care of her like that... Me, dors and randi were telling her we will be there when she gets old and we will take care of her if no one else... then we just laughed, caught in such a sentimental moment, but that was true. They were my groove. PAssionate people who loved their patients, who loved medicine, who loved life and I learned a lot from them and for what it's worth, we were kind of synnergistic. Now i'm here and they are there. And hospital life is not the same without them. Doring would have known how to handle the situation last night. Jill would have been great. Randi would have given her support and shoulder. But i just stood there in that crowded room, my heart felt like crying for their loss, and mine. I opened up the chart and just wrote down a couple of orders, trying not to look unprofessional by being too emotionally involved.

Today i made a resolution to not listen to lazy, unenthusiastic, no passion doctors because it is always my choice. It is always my choice to be great or just to graduate. I'm going to give this my all, as previously planned, as what we have previously planned. From now on, i'm going to put on those earphones and turn my ipod to full blast and not listen to their unenthusiasm.
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I haven't started out southbeach diet and i'm going berserk.