I just want to save a life.
I must sound like some sort of frustrated heroine, but come on, at least give me that. I did not travel ten thousand miles, i did not separate myself from the people i love (the foolishness of that decision could very well be a good topic for me , myself and i ) to impress a few attendings.
Louise, my senior says in the busiest rotation in the hospital i am currently on, you need to know your patients. I can do that. I thought. But then the list went on, she wanted me to memorize the laboratories of all patients. She wanted me to write down lengthy stuff and then short stuff and then cycle in between. She wanted me to know the labs even before they are published. She wants me to call the laboratory people and yell at them if needed (i'm hoping that was a joke) if i don't get my labs. She wanted me to impress the seniors. She wanted me to prove myself that i am just as smart, if not smarter than my colleagues.
I do not need to prove myself to anyone.
See this is where it all ends.
I could not think of anything as rewarding as sitting down and sharing a moment with my patients. I've been in the medical field to know that sometimes, the best medicine is having a doctor who knows you like this stuff, that you are interested in them. I'm not a slacker but sometimes , yeah, it gets to me. I promise never to use my patients as some sort of leverage to further my career. Several patients of medical residents, way more experienced, way more intelligent than me, has requested me to be their doctor instead. One told me that she wanted me because i listen and unlike __ (name withheld), who cuts her off with "i only have five minutes to talk to you so let's not talk about that." See i think that knowing your patient likes to go into interior decorating is good. I think laughing with them regarding the latest tv show is good. I'm a good doctor. And i'm not boasting when i say that. i know i am good, but i will not get into that race of who is the best. The best part of my day is not having my seniors say i did a good job, sure that's incredible, but the better part is having patients come to me and hug me, thanking me.
It's incredible how people in white coats lose this sense of awesomeness at the privilege we get to have. I was on call last night and wow, not many of them were smiling. I managed to get lost and i stumbled upon an old woman who was in bed with all types of tube coming out of her, one even from the nostrils. There was blood on the tube but she looked at me and I paused. She was all alone in this cold room, a feeling i know all too well. How are you? i'm not your doctor but how have you been holding up? Her eyes lit up and immediately she smiled. She asked me to sit down and slow down. Life was after all, short. It must be enjoyed. I went out refreshed from that talk.
*
I know it shouldn't get to me but i have to admit, it is stressful to work with someone who has that viewpoint especially when i am on a laid back mood. Oh i could turn on my competitive mood, something i was contemplating after a particularly rough rounds but I just don't want to stress it. V came by my place and cooked dinner. Told me not to think about it and chill. Enjoy life and don't let others get in your way. Argh. But yeah, good friends and a great God who reminded me about understanding people... yeah yeah yeah.
Maybe when i get some sleep.
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