Going public with this

I sat there. In that dark room with green laser lights and music blasting, i contemplated on what the speaker was saying. If i asked you, what did Denzel washington been telling you? You'd probably say nothing because you don't know Denzel. You have no relationship with him. If i asked you what has been Big J been telling you and if you say nothing, then that's not good. You are suppose to know because you have a relationship with Him.

i am not particularly elated with that preaching that sunday morning. It wasn't that i took offense or anything but yeah, Big J has been talking and it's on a different direction that I have planned on taking. Some of you might say, oh what is that crazy girl talking about?

I'm used to taking charge, and there are times I still want to take hold of that front wheel from J and just drive. Lately, He had been dealing some serious stuff. He's been telling me to lose weight... Oh wait, that's me talking. Seriously, he is asking for more stuff. What's the deal banana peel? Remember how two years ago God asked me for my heart and my dreams slash ambition. I told him he was to have his way in my life and fast forward to a few years later, I'm living the life i never even dreamed of .

I'm in a job I love - being a doctor. I'm in the place where I get to see awesome stuff and drink unlimited coffee. I could go from here and be a young hotshot doctor in cardiology several years from now.

I heard you want to get into cardiology. Mihas, the smartest senior medical resident in the whole department told me. It's going to be hard to get in. Research is the key, even then, there's no guarantee. It's a men's field, you rarely see women cardiologists and it's competitive. I'm doing research now for a well known cardiologist and this may get published in a couple of months, if you want, you could put the extra time and help us out.

I sat there as he explained things to me. My initial reaction was - heck i could give the extra time. I am good. I could be the next big thing of cardiology. Time? I have it. You want me to give extra hours, no problem. Then there's Big J and Him asking me to put in the extra time towards something else (long story). Telling me, that it wasn't about my dreams, my ambition.

Will you be impressive to a bunch of people or will you be impressive to Big J?

It would be hypocritical of me to say I chose the latter. It's a struggle between what I wanted and what I needed to do... between being stubborn and surrendering... between establishing a name or establishing faith. I guess i am writing this, because i would like to remind myself that i made a promise to choose God. To go public with my faith. To live an impressive life for Big J. I so want to get into cardiology, but that would take time from me, time that was being asked for. So tomorrow, i'll go to mihas and tell him, i couldn't do research. i couldn't put the time in to be a so called competitive candidate for cardiology.

I never thought I would be able to let go of that dream. It's a death in itself. It's scary to actually verbalize these thoughts but it makes sense to do so. This is like one of those summer days spent in a beach. i love the feeling of holding sand in my hands and dipping it in the ocean and letting the waves wash the sand off off my hands.