How could i fail to see?

Now that first month is nearing completion, my thoughts on it....

I had one patient who had a cardiac problem and being a student of sensei Johnny Go of UST, i characterized the murmur for everything it was, made the diagnosis right there. When i came to report it as a heart murmur - grade 3/6 holosystolic murmur with blah blah, consultant smiles and tells me, it's a murmur, order an Echo. I laughed. What? Sensei would kill me if he knew i relied too much on machines! Dr. Cagouia would have thrown the chart and cut my throat open with that. See back in the philippines, if you relied on machines too much, you are not fit to be called a doctor.

I hope this doesn't scar me for life.

How to reconcile this? I will never rely on the machines too much. I'd keep the skills and sharpen the skills sensei taught me and learn as much as i can about these machines as well. Best of both worlds

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I'm currently the poster girl for starbucks double shot espresso. Man, that keeps me going for the day. Argh. I am debating on two churches - i was talking to BIg J the other day about it and i think what's more important for now is that i flow and get connected with a church asap. I told you i'm not a church person mostly because i think some of the more "weird" and "problematic" people are inside a church. And if you knew me, though i like to help out in the drama of life, i really don't love being in a prolonged drama series. Then a verse in Big J's book caught my eye - Big J once told his posse that he came for the lost. The weirdos of this society. The drama queens. The cutters. The overly emotional i can't help myself people. So who am i to distance myself from the circus?

I still have a long way to go and i need to constantly remind myself of who i am. I think it was in the book of psalms where Big J tells his people not to forget Him when they are in the land of plenty. It's easy to forget. When you cruise down that big stretch of road in a hot yellow car, when you get unlimited supply of starbucks, food t when you get money after money, it's easy to think you can make it on your own. I still have to constantly check my heart. Everything is worthless compared to knowing God. How could i tell that without sounding like a preacher or someone from a high horse?

Big J was asking me whether i would still follow him if everything would be taken away. What if what happened to Job happened to me? What if i was stripped off everything? One thing i know, Big J got me off the miry clay. He washed me clean, gave me a new life, and my future is secure with Him, and I will call on Him in days of plenty and in days of lack.

I think someone observed that it was easy for me to see how God moves because i'm a doctor. I get to heal, i get to care for people, something "godly", but i think every work people have, it's a reflection of Big J. I was bored one friday night and decided to paint the apartment. Went to walmart and picked out the stuff i needed. I knew what color i wanted , i knew how i would do it, i knew how it would bring a smile to my face. But before i could paint those walls, I had to cover some things up, clean up some things, get some chairs and then i started painting... And Big J taught me a lesson on that. He was the ultimate architect/designer of our lives. When He made us, He had a design for us. I'm very picky when it comes to designing my apartment, everything i buy for that place must give me a sense of pleasure. Everything must have a purpose. I'm not one who would populate a place with useless materials. Imagine the thought that was put into making a sunset... into coordinating seasons, into making boracay, into telling the rain when to quench the thirst of the land, into telling the birds to wake God's people with their songs. All that thinking just for us. Earth was made for us, and Big J put a lot of thought just to assure us we would love earth. I mean God's crib is in heaven, he could have just made a cardboard jail for us, but no, he chose the colors, he chose the music, he thought of everything, and when it was done, he told us to enjoy His gift for us, and because we are such a lost bunch, it wasn't enough, so He went down to give His life for us.

It may feel like it's taking a long time for us to be who we are. Admittedly, most of the times we feel "undone" and uhmm crappy. BUt there's a plan. See the great architect is removing some things in your life, putting people in your life, building you, designing you , preparing you for something that would bring a smile to His face. It can't be done overnight. It can't be done without your permission as well. The God who gave everything for you is the same God who is designing your life. Trust me, He is a great planner.

Big J? I'm telling you. He's my designer. Life crappy? Call on Him. He doesn't have a 1-800 number, just holler and he'll be there. I did that.

:)