I drag my feet. After receiving the news of my nephew's death, I was unsettled. I was treating my younger cousin for asthma and when she got relieved, I was happy. One of the hardest part of being a doctor is going through a thousand and one emotions in just one day. Any given day might require you to mourn for the loss of one person while a few steps down the hall, you hear news of a new lease on life, and you have to tell yourself constantly to forget the loss and rejoice on second chances.
I had to think. I need to spend some time alone, where cries of "don't forget about me when you are rich" could be drowned. Funny how some people automatically assumes I'm going to be rich and keep hinting me of their future loan plans, with me as the bank. It's ... blah. If they knew me, they'd know I am someone who will always be willing to help in any way I can, but I can't help but feel suffocated. Like I'm Santa Claus personified. I don't have elves. I'm grateful for some people who just tell me "I'm happy for you, take care of yourself there, we will miss you" without adding "buy me this when you get your paycheck."
I got off the bus and headed straight to the mall. Five years in manila made me the type of person who could only think clearly when I'm surrounded by chaos. If I went home a week earlier, could I have prevented my nephew's death? Would they have called me up when the symptoms started? Could a simple steroid injection prevented this? I should have gone home earlier. Who knew what difference it would have made?
...had I known how to save a life...
Pause. Rewind. Edit. Play.
Through the looking glass I see my nephew's face. It's hard to believe that this is the sight that would greet me in manila. I bought some chocolates for him but I guess I will never be able to give it to him. If I think hard, I could almost remember the smile he gave me when I gave him chocolates as an additional medicine for his cough. Look ma, he told my cousin. Chocolates! Ironic how i am on the right place at the right moment for other people but couldn't be there when he needed me. Shoot.
Deep breath now. One day at a time
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