Meteor Garden

To follow this Big J is hard.

I can't even write it.  To make sense out of it.  It makes a lot of sense but my heart is constantly in a tumult. To surrender is such a hard thing.  I wish it was a one time thing, but it's an everyday thing.  I wish it was a time thing, you know, for a certain number of hours devote to God.  I wish it was a money thing.  A certain percentage of your earnings to God.  But it's more than that.  When you hear the drum beats of heaven, it's different.  It is so real.

it's a heart thing.  Surrendering your heart.

I don't make sense but tonight, i cried.

Because i did the right thing.

Because doing the right thing wasn't easy.  When everybody is doing it differently.

You are one in a million he said.

Maybe if i was younger, the person in front of me said, I would have agreed to it.  But i have tasted it and now i can't go back.  But i respect you and i can't go against what you believe in.  In the same vein, i can't agree to what you want.

I can't write about this tonight. 

The flowers are dying. 

The ducks are sleeping.

And me, I made the right choice, went against the wisdom of this world and listened to heaven's wisdom.  Then why do i feel like this?

But my life has one constant pursuit - to know and to love Big J.  And with that, obedience.  It hurts because i still am alive,and as long as i  am, this body would ache. 

My spirit is coughing. 

Trying to prepare for the onslaught.

i am tired.  May the Lord who I love, give me strength to see me through.