Sahara Schmara

when i told big j that i was surrendering my life to him, I meant that. However, i did not know the gravity of how much poking and how much surrendering , surrendering really meant.

We get carried away by songs and delusions of grandiosity. OR maybe it is just me. Big J i give you my heart, take it all, here it is. And we think in an instant that's it. That there would be a swoosh, a light that would switch on and everything in us changes. That our flesh would immediately subject itself to the spirit.

I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself

When you are surrounded by people who know you, by people who will hold you accountable, it is easier to follow Big J. I guess partly it's because you know there's always someone to watch you, to question you. But go to the desert, and for me, it's being here in this town in the US, where nobody knows you, where you feel alone even though you are surrounded by people, and it gets to you.

You get hungry. And yes, the wind blows your name. And it mocks you in the middle of the night, with thoughts of what you left behind, with doubts of what lies ahead, and chills you with the emptiness at hand.

If this is God's will, then why are you alone? The wind asks me.

And in my heart, I know, in the deepest part of my spirit, I know, I believe that I was called to be here , to go forward and to seek the things of Big J, but it is hard to go on, and walk and walk against the wind, against your very own flesh. Mind versus spirit and it's a great struggle.

For we are citizens not of this earth...

If you compromise, if you just acknowledge the things of the flesh, that you could compromise some of the things you believe in, then I'd give you this. Everybody is doing it. It's the culture, why not eat of it?

And when you are hungry and when you are alone, and when it's logical and rational and everybody is doing it, why not? Why not? And i admit, i tasted it, and it was sweet to the taste but bitter to the stomach. I couldn't do it. I cannot pretend to be a citizen of this earth, i cannot compromise my values for temporary things, for i realized that really, i could never live without Him. That in the desert, it was God who made sure i didn't fall, who made sure i was warm, who made sure that my steps were firm, who watched over me as I slept. It was the unseen friend whose love never stopped, whose love meant everything , whose love built me, whose love chastised me, whose love called me to show other people what love meant.

And so i forget the past, and i move on, every part of my flesh protesting against such a decision. The line has been drawn and I am His. My heart will be for his safekeeping, my eyes shall be on him. It's hard, but love, love forgets itself and lives for the object of its affection.

Spring will come again. I will emerge out of this desert stronger, shinier, sturdier, not because I am one, but because Big J's love will make sure of that.

J, you called me here and I know, you know where I should go.

Bring it on.