Garden of Eden

Take the usmle. Go. My hand will be with you. You will be blessed.

That was God's promise.

When i came to the US, i began to ask - now what?

And the reality of me being in a foreign land, of re establishing myself, of finding new friends, of adjusting to residency, to winter, to a different culture, of being immersed in a philosophy totally different from what i believe in... was overwhelming. For the first time, i felt alone. I knew God was with me, but he wasn't physically present. I am used to people, to noise, to chaos, of coming home to a full house.

For we have these treasures in jars of clay...

Hence the journey in the desert. In those silent hours at an empty apartment, thoughts of maybe i heard wrong, maybe i shouldn't have come here, what was i thinking, why did i leave everything behind.. and i was consumed by those thoughts, to the point that I forgot why i was here in the first place - i was following my God, i was following His direction. But well, i had a lot of suggestions up my sleeves, and did not hesitate on letting God know about them and pursuing them even after He said wait, stop, no.

So i went and looked for people to entertain me, to keep me occupied. Friends came. More than that though, people with intentions to be more than friends also came. Flattered yes. It was like shopping and finding some shiny fancy jewelry and settling for it even when clearly, Big J had the real diamonds with Him and He wanted me to wait. Wait Schmait. I said.

Ate Cheen, my cousin once told me, i can't let him go. I know he is not the one for me, but even so... Louise how could i let go? And i'd give them wisdom from the books. I guess it was due for my exam and see whether beyond words, i would live the conviction i have. Someone must have thought, well let's up the stakes, put cheen in a new environment, and at her most vulnerable point, at a point when she is starving, dangle the juiciest forbidden fruit in front of her. And not just any forbidden fruit, let's make this fruit the embodiment of everything she wants, and everything Big J says no. Let's see who she chooses.

...I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;

But what was suppose to fill me, made my stomach upset. And through a series of roller coaster events, I came to only one conclusion, on my knees, i realized, we could have everything in this world, the money, the success, the intelligence, the token handsome smart successful man by your side, and still wake up wanting more. It's only God that can fulfill me. I'm His work. In Him i find my purpose, in Him, i see love.

And with that, i threw away that fruit and told Big J what i knew all along but was too stubborn to admit, too blind to see, too self absorbed to conclude - I was His for the taking, for the breaking, for the molding, for the refining.

And so we forget the past and set our eyes on the goal , that we be more and more like this person we profess to believe.

Because it's really, believe me, it's really all about Him.