Exits and Entrances

Sitting on my living room, my feet propped up on a small chair, one hand holding an iced tea, i listen to the music from rob thomas. I thought about how one of my top things to do would be to watch matchbox twenty and lifehouse in a concert. On october 28, i will be watching lifehouse in concert. A scary thought to go by as i am beginning to cross off a lot of things of my list of things to do before i leave planet earth... Either i'm leaving planet earth soon or i need to make a longer list. Funny.

I had dinner with a ski instructor last night. She offered to take me skiing or snowboarding come winter time. Hey, another thing to cross off my list...

I look at my red hallway from my seat.

Countless times new found friends have knocked at that door inviting me out, coming in and cooking me dinner, inviting themselves in and just talking... They have been real blessings to me but there are moments like today when i pretend that the next knock would be coming from the people back home.

I close my eyes and pretend to see the door open and my cousins would come in, my family would come in and mess up my clean apartment. That i would get endless irritation because they would leave stains of dirt. That my sister would ask me to explain the platelets. That my mom would ask me to clean up the dog's cages again and water the plants. That my dad would ask me endless question what i wanted to eat for dinner. That my older sister would pester me to do her make up. That i could pester my brother to take out the trash. i open my eyes and to my disappointment there was nothing there.

A bomb just exploded in a place some of my friends frequent and when i heard the news, my heart skipped a beat. What if some of them were hurt? It was a scary thought. And though my condolence go to the families of the people whose loved ones were hurt, i couldn't help but felt relieved when i did not recognize any familiar name from the list of people dead/hurt from the incident.

One of my grandfathers died a couple of weeks ago. And that felt weird. And scary. Will i be confined to hearing about them and not being there? What could i really do if i were there? Could i have prevented it? one of the filipino nurses told me that she is staying in the US because of the money, that it was hard to earn money in the philippines but that her happiness was in the philippines. And for a couple of days i agreed with her thought, but when i opened this up to Big J, He told me that that was the culture of this world. That my riches aren't dependent on what country i live in, but that my riches are based on Heaven's riches and not on the Dow Jones of this world.

I went outside to jog and get some fresh air. Temperature is falling fast and today may be the last day i could get some great sunshine. After a particularly non impressive jog, i sat by the picnic bench. I could smell the sunblock on my skin, the freshly cut grass... ducks flying above my head, wind blowing, sun beating on my back... it was a good day to go through my list of priorities in life. I could have anything in this world. Anything. the question is - what do i want?

Do i want to be a cardiologist and be tied down to a hospital? Make nearly a million dollars a year, sacrificing time and time to do procedures and stick within a certain radius of the hospital? That appeals to one side of me because i know i can do it, because i know i can be good at it, because i know i have what it takes to be a pretty darn good cardiologist.


I bow my head and smell the sunblock on my skin. It reminds me of home. And how the pacific ocean splashed water on my face as i rode the boat towards this island who had never seen a doctor. Reminds me of an island who was dying physically and spiritually. And i feel that call, that sense of wanting to be able to make a difference in their lives. The sunblock reminds me of purpose. What will i do with a million dollars? Buy diamonds? i don't fancy jewelry. i'm happy with morayta made one dollar fancy earrings. I want to see lives changed. i want people to be blessed as much as i have been blessed by Big J. An amputated knee is nothing compared to the sight of an amputated soul.

The other day i volunteered to go to this free clinic for the uninsured people. And it felt great. it felt like this was something i was destined to do. To help these poor people. I'm getting a hazy vision of what would fulfill me, just not clear on the steps on how to go there yet. But i know they are there.