At one point, i wrote all of my thoughts down, because somebody listened.  Smeone listened.  And the thought of that, made me write more, made me more creative. What was suppose to be musings of a struggling medical student, became a dialogue between two persons from two different worlds.

But what happens when one chooses to no longer listen?  If a prayer had been uttered in exchange for something?  Funny.  I saw that happen in a soap.  So now, five hundred years later, alive, still kicking and living in a world of irony, i find myself to be with so much but in some ways, without.

I started the journey years ago, to be a great doctor.  And though i have finished my training, and earning more than i can ever imagine, something gnaws inside me.  This discontent.  Not of wanting more, not of going further along, but of wanting to give more, of wanting to go back.   I remember swimming in your seas and coming ashore to a land of poverty, to a group of people whose eyes have not seen a doctor.  I remember saying i will come back.

And i will come back philippines.

How do i come back?  How do i help you?

For the longest time, i want to specialize on something, but the need to work and support my family trumps that desire.  I should be content with my life right now, but what is the purpose of all these blessings if i cannot help others?

The path away from home, i have found and taken.  And that led me to enormous successes.  But i need to find the way back home.  I need to answer my calling.

By writing this, i once again start on a journey.   Seven years have passed since i left home.  In those years, i have seen a lot, i have ran with big j, towards, and away and towards big J.  And though obeying Big J was bittersweet, he has led me through the storms and showed me his grace and mercy.  

There are tons of things i need to learn as his follower.  Tons.  I have a hard time trying to follow him and forgetting myself.  A constant struggle.  There is not a moment i wish i could just talk to him face to face and just ask for a road map.  But i follow him, cause he is my joy, my reward, my reason for being.

I know i dont make sense.  But now, instead of j understAnding me, it really is Big J that knows me.